i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
