The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
