We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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