apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
