Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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