I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
