I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
