Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
