She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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