he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
