ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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