forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
