george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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