I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
