Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
