You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
