The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
