a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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