im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
