my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
