Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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