in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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