This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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