Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
