I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
