You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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