She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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