I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
