I think i sorta joined a cult last night
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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