Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
