Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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