Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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