I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
