You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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