I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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