dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
