I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
