Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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