Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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