He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
