im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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