now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
