my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
