tonight lets celebrate not being married
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
