My cat gives me a boner
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
