I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
