i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
