why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
