i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
