Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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