drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
